The Captain is Here!

Jett Aaron Strange

10/6/13

Let There Be No Doubt...

This baby is a Strange One!

Horror Show

Isn't that a terrifying picture??  Those big eyes, the gaping mouth, tiny hands against a tiny face in abject disbelief?  It's too much!

Honestly, I think creepy ultrasound pictures are the best.  We've come a long way from a pseudo-recognizable baby shape in a big black cave to this little one starting to look a little cramped in there.

We had our anatomy ultrasound last week and got to see all the various baby parts.  All the heart chambers, both brain hemispheres, even a little tummy full of fluid!

The technician sweetly and calmly reassured me that his heart was in his chest and his brain was in his skull.  Whew.

 You may have noticed that some things have changed at the blog because we also found out we're having a BOY!

Crazy exciting!   I have pictures of tiny baby junk to prove it but trust me, its a boy!

I really thought finding out the gender would make it more real for me, but its just more surreal now!  I'm not a boy and yet I made a boy.  There's a boy in my belly.  A BOY!!!   Its freaky.


And to top it all off we are just 2 weeks away from moving across the country!  No nesting for this mama yet, it's all anti-nesting with throwing stuff away and putting stuff in boxes.  But it'll be worth it.  Things are all falling into place.

20 Weeks

That's halfway done, y'all.

<3

Dreaming My Sanity Away

I heard rumor of the crazy pregnancy dreams, but boy howdy have these dreams been doozies.

I don't know what my brain is trying to work out with shit like this:

I am on an ancient Norse island in the middle of a foggy bog.  I am travelling as the only woman with a band a huge viking hunters.  It's not weird.  We are on a little island and they tell me this is the only area that doesn't have werewolves.  Okay.  But we are going over there, to the mainland where there are werewolves.  Why?  Because we are vikings and that's what we do.

So off we go to hunt a white wolf that is being controlled by the werewolves.  I try to take a shot with my bow and arrow but suck and almost hit one of our hunting wolves.  At this point they ask me to stop trying. We get the white wolf.  We are sitting down to have some wolf jerky and then there It is.

Sort of but not really.

A 10 foot tall beast with horns and glowing red eyes that screams like the monster from Lost comes bearing down clearly after me.  So I scramble away, around the fence next to the plastic garbage cans to hide behind the big red Coca-Cola vending machine where I crouch and wait to hear the beast scream again.  It doesn't.  I wake up.


I don't know. 

And even when I'm like dozing, I will have these really vivid day-dreams.  But its always stupid stuff.  I should start visualizing having a pain-free delivery instead of dreaming about being at work hours before I get there. 

Tracking Pregnancy

They have all of these awesome pregnancy trackers and apps for your phones and SCORES of websites to tell you all about what's going on with your little proto-human while it siphons your will to live as it grows.

There are even fun 2nd trimester counters that are just adorable and apparently useful!  Like a Kick Counter!  Awwww.

Ow, baby!

There's 3rd trimester counters too for contractions!  Neato!

Russian babies are precious!

What is lacking is are 1st trimester counters.  They could make really useful ones like Dry Heave Counter or Times You've Peed Today Counters or The Cat Made Me Howl In Pain Trying To Make Biscuits On My Boob Counters.

Seriously.  Where's the 1st trimester love?!

Strange Days

http://instagram.com/p/XiE9AdqMdi/

Eat Your Chex Mix, BABY.

I just got an invitation to attend an ultrasound.

What kind of drinks do you bring to an ultrasound?

Drink your dry martini, BABY.

Raspberry Nerds

"Today your baby is about the size of a raspberry and is suffering from severe encephalitis.  In addition to wiggling its arms and legs, it is beginning to take on a Nerd-like quality!"

Thanks, Bump.  :(

An Actual Baby

Here.  Here is a picture of someone else's adorable baby so it's not microscope horrors or Fat Bastard all the time.

At Least It's Not Pickles... Yet

Because I hate pickles and if the tiny human makes me want and eat pickles, I'm going to be mad.  YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!

Today I was happy, thrilled, damn near ecstatic that Blasto wanted salad greens and cottage cheese to eat.  The little blueberry would previously only accept Cool Ranch Doritos and Starbursts.

Maybe I can encourage this kind of eating and not get all Fat Bastard indulging the little proto-human's every whim and desire.  Ha!  Who am I kidding?

Get in mah bellay!

I am pretty sure that everyone who knows me and doesn't know that I am With Child™ thinks I'm a lazy asshole these days.  All I do is eat and lay on the couch and avoid people.

My goal of being a Fit Active Pregnant Lady are on hold until the 2nd trimester.  In the meantime, I'm just gonna fat around and eat waffles... and Cool Ranch Doritos... at the same time.  Yeah.

Daddy's Little Xenomorph

Sarah, in an effort to keep me in the loop, signed me up for an account at TheBump.  Always eager for new information and a deeper understanding of this thing that's happening to us, I excitedly opened my first email update.

See, they track the progression of your pregnancy, and send you helpful articles and tips like:  "Week 6: Hope You Like Vomit!" and "Week 7:  However Many Crackers You've Bought, It Isn't Enough.  No, Really."

At the bottom, almost as an afterthought, is a cute little section that describes in visceral detail the development of your Blasto-thing.  And it reads like something out of a Ridley Scott script:

Week 7:  This week, your embryo has shed its booklungs and is evolving several spiny protrusions that will turn into hand-holes.  Its nictitating eyelids begin blinking and veins appear everywhere.  Its spine fuses to its pancreas.

WTF!

I've seen pictures of embryonic development.  The process goes from something like:  Booger > Sea Monkey > Cocktail Shrimp > Jumbo Shrimp > Human Being.

 Of course I immediately picture a Sea Monkey, which doesn't do anything assuage my vivid imagination, which is spiraling out of control since, like humans, Sea Monkeys are born nude and...uh...

Ummmm....

Anyway, so I'm picturing what's going on in there based on TheBump's horrific description, and I'm Googling stuff like "Sigourney Weaver, midwife, sliding scale".

Hi.

So, I'm just going to keep my fingers crossed and hope that my little xenomorph doesn't come out looking like a slutty crustacean or microscopic nightmare fuel and that it elects to come out in the usual way, rather than bursting through my goodly wife's chest while we're watching Dexter, to leap into my arms and demand a sacrifice of crackers.

Turns out I AM the father.  :(

Chapter 1

How To Feed And Care For Your Pregnant Wife

by: J. Strange

CHAPTER 1

?????????  D: D: D: D:

???????

:C

(This is just a first draft.  Clearly this book will require much more research.)