Strange Days

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Eat Your Chex Mix, BABY.

I just got an invitation to attend an ultrasound.

What kind of drinks do you bring to an ultrasound?

Drink your dry martini, BABY.

Raspberry Nerds

"Today your baby is about the size of a raspberry and is suffering from severe encephalitis.  In addition to wiggling its arms and legs, it is beginning to take on a Nerd-like quality!"

Thanks, Bump.  :(

An Actual Baby

Here.  Here is a picture of someone else's adorable baby so it's not microscope horrors or Fat Bastard all the time.

At Least It's Not Pickles... Yet

Because I hate pickles and if the tiny human makes me want and eat pickles, I'm going to be mad.  YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!

Today I was happy, thrilled, damn near ecstatic that Blasto wanted salad greens and cottage cheese to eat.  The little blueberry would previously only accept Cool Ranch Doritos and Starbursts.

Maybe I can encourage this kind of eating and not get all Fat Bastard indulging the little proto-human's every whim and desire.  Ha!  Who am I kidding?

Get in mah bellay!

I am pretty sure that everyone who knows me and doesn't know that I am With Child™ thinks I'm a lazy asshole these days.  All I do is eat and lay on the couch and avoid people.

My goal of being a Fit Active Pregnant Lady are on hold until the 2nd trimester.  In the meantime, I'm just gonna fat around and eat waffles... and Cool Ranch Doritos... at the same time.  Yeah.

Daddy's Little Xenomorph

Sarah, in an effort to keep me in the loop, signed me up for an account at TheBump.  Always eager for new information and a deeper understanding of this thing that's happening to us, I excitedly opened my first email update.

See, they track the progression of your pregnancy, and send you helpful articles and tips like:  "Week 6: Hope You Like Vomit!" and "Week 7:  However Many Crackers You've Bought, It Isn't Enough.  No, Really."

At the bottom, almost as an afterthought, is a cute little section that describes in visceral detail the development of your Blasto-thing.  And it reads like something out of a Ridley Scott script:

Week 7:  This week, your embryo has shed its booklungs and is evolving several spiny protrusions that will turn into hand-holes.  Its nictitating eyelids begin blinking and veins appear everywhere.  Its spine fuses to its pancreas.

WTF!

I've seen pictures of embryonic development.  The process goes from something like:  Booger > Sea Monkey > Cocktail Shrimp > Jumbo Shrimp > Human Being.

 Of course I immediately picture a Sea Monkey, which doesn't do anything assuage my vivid imagination, which is spiraling out of control since, like humans, Sea Monkeys are born nude and...uh...

Ummmm....

Anyway, so I'm picturing what's going on in there based on TheBump's horrific description, and I'm Googling stuff like "Sigourney Weaver, midwife, sliding scale".

Hi.

So, I'm just going to keep my fingers crossed and hope that my little xenomorph doesn't come out looking like a slutty crustacean or microscopic nightmare fuel and that it elects to come out in the usual way, rather than bursting through my goodly wife's chest while we're watching Dexter, to leap into my arms and demand a sacrifice of crackers.

Turns out I AM the father.  :(

Chapter 1

How To Feed And Care For Your Pregnant Wife

by: J. Strange

CHAPTER 1

?????????  D: D: D: D:

???????

:C

(This is just a first draft.  Clearly this book will require much more research.)